Should I Stay or Should I Go? It's a Choice!

It's the end of another long day. You have one more call to make, one last document to review, one more email message, one more client to see, one more task to finish. One more thing that just cannot wait until tomorrow. Why not?

Why not? Well, there is always a reason (usually many) why that one thing cannot wait and has to be done tonight, before we go home. Home to a cold dinner. Home to sleeping kids. Home to a wife too used to the routine to say anything about it any more. Home only to unwind by watching the late night news or some other thing on TV while we multitask and prepare for yet another day. Another day of hard work to make a living but hardly living life.

In a blog post by prolific author Ron Ashkenas, titled Should You Stay Late or Go Home, he argues that if you really love what you do and your family is 'understanding' then it's ok to work late. That may be comforting for some. But not for the overwhelming majority of the men whose comments I read. Most of these comments were from dads who said they wished they could come home at a more reasonable hour to be more with their families. And yet, many felt they could not afford it, specially in a down economy.

Larry Wimmer, my Econ 101 professor, taught me that there are only three have-to's in life, three things we absolutely have to do, and that for everything else, there was always a choice. Always. What are those three things?

1. We have to die. No escaping that one!
2. We have to make choices. Even not choosing is a choice! And...
3. We have to live with the consequences of those choices. 

So, there it is. We have a choice. Think about it. We can choose not to close that sale, we can choose not to take that one more call. We can choose to write that email the next day. We can choose to finish that presentation in the morning. Why not? That's the question. Is it to impress the boss? Is it to look good during the performance reviews? Is it to qualify for the bonus? Why not? Really!

The real question is not whether we can or cannot afford to work longer hours. It's whether we can afford to live with the consequences.

My wife has a print in our bedroom that reads "In the end, it won't matter how big a house you had or how much money you made or what kind of car you drove, but whether you made a difference in the life of a child."

Let's choose to make a difference!

Dads and Home Work...Are You Pulling Your Weight?

The Fall issue of the BYU Marriott Alumni Magazine includes an article titled By the Numbers, Home Work. The article made me reflect again on the distribution of work in the home. You can see the detail in the article but here is a summary...

• 7,300 = The number of diaper changes in the first two years of a baby's life.
• 405 = The hours a mom spends behind the wheel each year.
• 22 & 10 = The hours per week a college-educated mother (22) and a college-educated father (10) spend caring for their children.
• 330 = The loads of laundry an average family needs washed annually (more than six loads per week).
• $20,415 = The value of household tasks dads typically perform a year. I assume this is for all dads, most of which are employed.

The last fact peeked my curiosity so I did a quick search and found this from a blog in CBS's moneywatch.com. According to Amy Levin-Epstein, "the total average annual value for the work done by stay-at-home moms was $115,432, while for working moms, it was $63,472." Read article.

Hmmm. Let me think....(doing calculations in my head...). Though I believe times have changed and many dads now days change more diapers than ever before, take their turn doing the laundry, and spend more time (than perhaps the previous generation) with their children in a variety of ways (and all of that is great!), it looks like most of the weight of the Home Work still falls on the shoulders of the moms.

Now, now, I'm not suggesting for a moment that we need a role reversal (thought that would be an interesting experiment...see my post Don't Be Long Mama!), nor am I suggesting that dads and moms should divvy up the Home Work pie exactly in half. By divine design, fathers and mothers have different roles. But I do think that generally, dads can do more to contribute to the work at home. I know I can.

So, what can you do to create a real Home team with you wife? I'd love to hear your thoughts and ideas.

Treasures From My Father

My parents on the St. Clair River between
the U.S. and Canada. St. Clair, MI

During a recent visit by my parents, whom we don't get to see often, I took them on a walk along the river. I learned new things and I grew to appreciate my father even more. I had questions about his early years as a father, his career choices, his service in the church, and the eventual decision to uproot his family from Mexico and come to the US to start a new life.

As a young man I wasn't always interested in my dad as I am now. His life seemed uninteresting to me, as it might be with many young children. As an adult, I have come to appreciate him by more than just providing the necessities of life. So, we walked as I asked, and listened to him. He shared with me about his life lessons, his motivations for key decisions in his life, his determination to accomplish the many things he has accomplished, his faith in God, and his love for my mother and his children.

It was like opening a treasure chest and discovering precious jewels that had always been there, I just had never opened the chest. And truthfully, I wish I had discovered some of these things earlier. I wish that I had taken the time earlier to listen, to learn, to grow. I love my father dearly, and that morning I felt so much closer to him. I thank him for his example, for his love, and for his willingness to share.

If you still have your father around, don't wait. Visit with him or call him now and take the time to open that treasure chest. Ask him questions, listen, learn, and treasure up these things in your heart.

If you are a father, take the time to share. Wait for the right moment and share of your experience, wisdom, and of your love, with your child or grandchild. You may just share the greatest treasure he or she has ever found.

As for me, I hope to have many more of these opportunities. I have much to learn still. And somehow I think there is more in that treasure chest that I have not yet discovered. For all of that, I am grateful for my wonderful father.

Slow Down, Get Your Family Back

Do you spend your weekends driving from activity to activity? Are your family dinners hostage to soccer, or dance, or football, or some other kind of practice? Do you feel you are running so fast you don't have time to slow down and enjoy your family?

If so, you are not alone! It turns out, there is such a thing as a 'slow family movement.' Yes, a few days ago the USA Today published an article titled 'Slow family' movement focuses on fewer outside activities. The group promotes just that, slowing down as a family and take the time to 'just be' and enjoy your family more. It's a good piece and it made reflect on this important issues.

When we as parents feel like we have to enroll our kids into every activity under the sun, it doesn't take much to fall into hyper activity mode. For families with more than two or three children, just one activity per child can mean hectic weekends and weeknights. So how do we manage?

• First, give up the idea that kids 'need' to be enrolled in extracurricular activities. What happened to unstructured just-chill time? Challenge the notion that structured activities are a need. Think about what children really need in the long run. Do they need another trophy or a relationship with mom, dad, siblings? 
• Second, be choosy as to what you will and will not do and set the expectation with the children. It may be that they only participate in one activity per year. Or maybe you decide not to overlap more than a certain number of activities during any given time. 
• Third, schedule down time. Just like dating your wife requires scheduling, the same might be true of spending 'slow time' with the family when all can just be together and be spontaneous.
• Fourth, create traditions that promote togetherness such as family home evening, family dinner, night-time rituals as you put kids to bed, etc.

Life is already complicated as it. We often add to that complexity. Whatever you do to slow down, at the very least, let us turn off the phone, the TV, and other distractions to see, hear, and enjoy our family members a little more each day.

As children grow older and become more independent, it is increasingly difficult to spend downtime as a family. That's why creating early habits and traditions of spending family down time is critical to long-term healthy family relationships they can cherish for years to come.

So, what do you do or what ideas do you have for family down time? I'd love to hear from you!!

Photo by freedigitalphotos.net

How to Raise a Little Girl...

Elain S. Dalton

General Young Women President

Church of Jesus Christ

of Latter-Day Saints

I am working on my General Conference advice to fathers post. But I couldn't wait to write my thoughts about Sister Dalton's wonderful and timely message to dads! How luckier can a dad get?!?

So, here are my notes from her talk (I was writing feverishly!), not all verbatim. I know I missed some, but here is what I have. Please share your thoughts!

• The best a dad can do for his daughter is to love her mother
• Live after the manner of happiness
• Show her a good example
• Be the model of the kind of man she should marry
• Take her to the temple when she is 12
• Protect her
• Be a guardian of virtue
• Have clean thoughts
• Eliminate anything that is nor virtuous
• Have personal purity
• Interview her periodically
• Know her friends
• Share your testimony

Let us be guardians of virtue and love our wife brethren! As we think of our precious daughters, let us remember Elder Holland's warning that "a journey of a thousand miles begins with one step...so, watch your step!"

As Sister Dalton said "Rise up, O Men of God!" and as the hymn adds "have done with lesser things."

General Conference: A Time for a Father's Renewal

This is the weekend many of us wait for with anticipation. General Conference is such a wonderful time. Last April I posted timely advice to fathers from General Conference. Today and tomorrow we have another opportunity to receive direction and instruction from our Father in heaven through His chosen prophets, seers, and revelators.

• What will be said?
• How will that change my life?
• How will that help me as a father?

The answer to the first question is predictable. Chances are we won't hear anything that is very different from what has been said before. That doesn't mean it's not important or that we should discount it (as President Uchtdorf said).

The answer to the other two questions is entirely up to us individually; it depends what we are looking for. If we listen passively or just snooze, we may not hear what the Lord intends for us to get. If we go with a prayer in our heart and with specific questions and needs we need addressed, it is much more likely we will benefit greatly (like noticing water sources when we are thirsty).

So, to repeat President Uchtdorf's message in the September issue of the Ensign:

1. Members of the Church are entitled to personal revelation as they listen to and study the inspired words spoken at general conference. I believe fathers have a special need to receive such revelation. Revelation of course, can come on Saturday just as much as on Sunday. 
2. Don’t discount a message merely because it sounds familiar. Our children may discount our constant reminders at home (say your prayers, read your scriptures, use the laundry bin, clean your room, etc.) but we cannot afford to do the same.
3. The words spoken at general conference should be a compass that points the way for us during the coming months. So, what will you do as a result? How will you make it a compass?

Enjoy conference!