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Kathi and Tony in front of the Grand Hotel
Mackinaw Island, MI |
Tony Vernaci is not a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, but attends Kensington, a non-denominational Christian Church in Lake Orion, MI. I invited him to share his thoughts on fatherhood because he exemplifies what any father of any faith ought to emulate as a father. Tony has had a long and successful career in manufacturing, operations, and globalization. Tony, an avid runner, just ran the Detroit marathon. Tony is a dedicated father of four children and lives with his wife Kathi in Rochester Hills, MI.
MF: Tell us about your family
TV: We have a blended family because I was married before for nine years and from that I have two boys, Mike, who is 29, and Chris who is 26. After my divorce, Kathi and I met, dated for about three years, got married and then had two kids of our own, TJ who is 20 and Chelsea, who is 17. The nice thing is that blended families present a challenge. If you come to my home you'll see our pictures are family pictures, it's all six of us. And that wasn't just posing for the photographer, Mike and Chris lived in St. Louis Missouri but they would fly up twice a month to be with us. And they did that for 13 years. They'd spend the summer with us, vacation with us. We'd plan vacations around when we could all be together as a family.
MF: How old we're your boys when you divorced?
TV: Mike was 4 and Chris about 1 and a half.
MF: What was it like to be a single father? What did you learn during that time when you were a single father?
TV: I had seen other people that went through similar situations and saw that when they were now single, they were not going home to a family, they were going to their own apartment and started hanging out with the boys, hanging out at the bar. Prior to my divorce I wouldn't think twice about joining the guys for a drink every once in a while but after my divorce I thought 'you know what, that's too dangerous.' Because if I didn't get home before midnight there wasn't anyone at home to ask 'were have you been?' So I decided to stop going to bars and flat out stopped going out with the boys. There was too much risk in that. I had seen people destroy their lives, lose their jobs, just a lot of bad things happened so I stayed away from that.
The other thing was that I would go to church prior to the divorce but only occasionally. But after the divorce I wanted to give Mike and Chris a religious foundation. So I started taking them with me to church on Sunday and going myself. I was still in Missouri, small town just outside of St. Louis. So I wanted to put a good foundation in their life.
MF: Did you start attending church mostly for them or for you also?
TV: For both actually. I had grown up Catholic, had a catholic education and in the catholic church, divorce is grounds for excommunication. So it was a tough decision and I wondered what would be the effect on the boys but if nothing else, with all the other craziness around the divorce, which was not fun, I needed to put some structure and foundation for both of our lives.
MF: As you remarried and started another family, what did you did you learn that helped you as a father?
TV: When I married the first time I was 18. Mike was born when I was 23 so I was very young. I was more self-centered. I loved them, no question about that. But I do think it was mostly about me. Now, with Kathi, and TJ and Chelsea, I feel like I understand more the role of the father, how important that is, and what I should do and shouldn't do. Although I have not yet perfected the role of being a father by any means. But I think I've learned it's about sacrifice and unconditional love and putting other people before you.
Also, Kathi and I decided to send the kids through a Christian education because as good as the public schools are, it didn't give them the Christian foundation that we wanted them to have. I'm very glad we did that though there is a trade off. I'm sacrificing the plasma screen in the hallway for a bible in the classroom. I'm not afraid to have the word of God in the daily conversation in the classroom.
MF: What would you say is your biggest joy as a father?
TV: To see my kids grow and develop, to give them coaching (to them it's lecturing), and guidance and then overtime seeing those things start to resonate and sink in and develop around those same values. Whether its work ethics, faith, managing money, making good decisions. So, it's seeing them develop is a joy and then seeing them go onto their next phase in their life. Specially for my kids because I have such a range. My daughter Chelsea is 17 and Mike is 29 and there's is two in between. So I get to see the spectrum, not like a younger family where you are still wondering how is this is all going to come out. So, it's neat to see that.
MF: How has your faith influenced your role as a father and your relationship with your family?
TV: Even after my divorce, when I was going to church, I was just checking the box, I was just filling a seat in the pew, I wasn't really engaging my heart and soul with what was around me. And you know, they say God has a funny way of bringing you to your knees. Well, in 2000, there was a lot of turmoil in the economy, we had two homes, one we thought would sell fast, so we bought the new one before we sold the old one and ended up with two houses for about 13 months, big mistake. So I was down and so concerned about my job because the company where I was working had been sold and things weren't good. And so I was scared, and Kathi gave me a couple of books to read. One was the Bible and others about Christ and the love of Christ and it really helped me to understand my role as a father. Because my role, the way I see it today is really no different than the role of the Heavenly Father. Now, I'm not putting myself in that same line, but my point is that there are some times when our kids disappoint us. You do things for them and you may not feel like there is an appreciation. You wish they would behave differently but they do something else, and you think 'they just don't get it.' but then you sit down and think and realize that we do that to God every day. We may not give thanks before you have a meal and it's a gift he has given us. The clothes on our back, the car we drove here, the home we live in, I mean, if you think about it, we are showered with gifts every day and do we always recognize he is the giver of all that we have? We don't. And then we don't treat people the way we should or we are not honest in all our words. So it's given me a better perspective of how God looks upon us and our behavior and I think that's my role as a dad, to treat my kids the same way with unconditional love, you love the sinner but you hate the sin. And you have to be patient with them. There will be times that as teenagers they won't necessarily come to you for the advice when you wish they would and you just have to be patient with them and open the door for them and welcome them back again. So it's really opened up my eyes and changed my perspective.
MF: I know you make breakfast for your kids. What are some other traditions you have developed to foster your relationship with them?
TV: When we first got married we were boaters, so we'd spend our weekends over on Lake St. Clair. Golfing was never a sport that interested me, plus I didn't want to take more time away from the family. So we boated for ten years over there. It was good family entertainment. And to this day every one of my kids will say that when they have their families and get settled, they want to have a boat and want to take their kids out on a boat. Growing up, my dad had a house boat on the Mississippi and that's where my love for boats comes from, because I remember those weekends with my dad on the boat. So, those kinds of things we love. And then, we vacation together. We take trips together. They don't have to be trips to Hawaii, they can be quick trips up north, or go down to Cedar Point for a day. And then I try to give the kids time individually. So, TJ and I will go to a hockey game. Actually, Chelsea likes hockey too, so she and I will go to a game. And I love those nights out with them, we'll go out for a burger someplace and go to a hockey game and Chelsea whom you might not think had any interest in sports at all enjoys doing that. So I try to have that individual time with them. It's hard with a bigger family. It doesn't have to be every week but you have to set aside the time somewhere to be with the kids individually, even if it's shopping for school supplies.
MF: Have there been other dads you have come to admire and why?
TV: Kathi's sister is married to a guy who is a terrific dad. He has deep roots in his faith. Recently they experienced cancer. I've known them for many years. He is someone I have a lot of respect for.
Two other guys that were very influential were Ted Harris, a business associate. One day he came to pick up a check because he did work for us as a vendor. So I gave him the check and as he was leaving he turned around and said 'hey, there is a handful of guys that get together every Tuesday in my office, kind of a small Bible study, if you want and come join us.' I had always been very internalized about my faith, so it was uncomfortable, but I started going to that and it really helped me grow a lot. I saw the way Ted raised his family. He had challenges in his family but he was a wonderful man of God, and a great, great father through all the challenges he had.
And then my doctor, Joe. Who I met through Ted. He led a small Bible study at Woodside Bible church, he was the group leader for that, so Joe and I have become very close through Ted.
Those are guys I have pretty high regard for. The funny thing is that as much as I admire these guys, there are also people that I've seen that do things that I think are terribly wrong. And so you learn from that too. For instance I saw some of that through my parents divorce. Things I didn't want to repeat. So you learn, even from the bad examples.
MF: What would you say to a new dad, what would be your advice?
TV: Even though we sent our kids to Christian school, we say a prayer before each meal, and we love going to church, now more than ever before, the one thing we didn't do was to necessarily sit down to read the Bible together. And it wasn't because I felt like they were getting that at school, so the job is done. But I can see a difference in families we've observed throughout the years, that spend time, and it doesn't have to be a long time, it can be 15 minutes a day, maybe at meal time. That meal time together is valuable. For busy families, it's hard to do but whenever you can, have a meal together and spend quality time together. It's hard but you've got to make the effort because life will give you too many excuses to not do what you really should do. I just had this conversation with one of my sons I said, tithe to the church, just make it part of your budget, that's what you do first. Save for your kid's college and be in the word. Not in that order necessarily, but that will be the best foundation to build your family and your future on.
