Who Has the Secret to a Happy Marriage?

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Interesting article in today's USA Today titled "Some couples pull back from the edge of divorce." It's scary to think, as the article suggests, that when economic conditions improve divorce rate might go up. Expensive divorce is a lousy reason to stay together. But if that's one reason, why not others?

Why do couples divorce? According to the USA Today's poll of 866 divorcing couples, here are the top five factors cited for their divorce:

1. Growing apart (55%)
2. Unable to talk together (52.7%)
3. How spouse handles money (40.3%)
4. Spouse's personal problems (36.8%)
5. Not enough attention (34.1%) / Infidelity almost in a tie (34%)

Surely in most cases divorce is a result of a combination of many factors. So, without minimizing the complexity and serious nature of the issues involved, the question remains: Is it that hard to overcome these issues?

The common view of marriage as a 50/50 proposition inevitably fails because we always judge others based on their behavior and ourselves based on our intent. That view leads us to consistently maximize our virtue and goodness while minimizing our spouse's. Overtime, this perspective becomes our reality:

"My spouse is imperfect and doesn't even try. I'm not perfect either but at least I try!"

No wonder people grow apart and trade dialogue for silence. No wonder money becomes a platform for the struggle manifests itself. No wonder our spouse has issues! No wonder people don't give each other enough attention. No wonder our spouse looks less and less attractive and another person more and more. No wonder divorce eventually looks like the only alternative. That is, unless divorce is too expensive and then we just put up with the situation until we can afford it.

But what about the children? 

As fathers we have a duty to them. Not a duty as in an obligation, but a duty of love. It's been said that one of the best things a man could do for his children is to love their mother. True love. 

Is it possible? YES! Is it always easy? NO! Is it worth it? You'd better believe it!!

In an Ensign article titled "Repentance and Forgiveness in Marriage" Richard Miller discusses factors that strengthen marriage. The list of factors is interesting when compared with the USA Today's poll. Check this out:

1. Repent (but repent of what? I don't have a problem!)
2. Apologize sincerely (apologize for what, besides, she still hasn't apologized for whatever she does every day!)
3. Strive to improve (improve what? I'm an ok guy, I fulfill my callings, I go to church. I'm a good dad!)
4. Overcome pride (none of that here!)
5. Forgive (yes, there is plenty to forgive but she first needs to ask for it)
6. Let go of the hurt (not so fast! She needs to repent first)
7. Rely on the Atonement (hmm?)

So what's the first step? Recognize we have a problem that is worth correcting. None of this works if WE don't face the fact that WE have a problem; that in many cases, WE are the problem. Of course, she does have issues too. Plenty perhaps. But that's beside the point.

So, do the right and let the consequence follow. Who knows, but that when you let Christ into the relationship again, you might find your wife to be the most beautiful and pleasant person to be around, even if she hasn't changed at all!

And that may be the best gift of all to our children in the long run.