One Last Long Glance

Kelly and I went to the gym together with Joshua (4) this morning. It was one of those mornings when our schedules matched just right and we were able to be there at the same time (very nice when that happens!). Instead of going to the nursery, Josh decided he was going to walk with mom around the indoor track while I hit one of those machines (don't even know what it's called) that works muscles I didn't even know I had (but that I felt the rest of the day!).


So there I am with my earbuds on, listening to music while moving my legs and arms at a nice pace and trying to focus on my breathing (I hear that's important). One end of the indoor track goes around this big open area right in front of the machines where I am working up a sweat when around comes Kelly and Joshua walking briskly and Kelly points at me so Joshua can see me.

Josh looks up and his eyes widened the way they do when they see a big surprise. I guess he's never seen me working that hard! He waves at me with a big grin on his cute little face showing his beautiful dimples, and continues looking at me right until he figures he can't see above the other exercise equipment between him and me.


Next time around he repeats the process and each time he comes around, he figures a new way to keep me within eyesight just a little longer. He ducks to see beneath the machines, he moves his little head to look for any little space through which he can still spot me. But inevitably, he gets to the corner where there is no way to look through the wall.


Each lap, he repeats the process. He looks like a little boxer moving his head down, sideways, up, and down again, all the while he is waving, smiling, and telling mom I'm still there. Like beauty pageant contestants are famous for doing, there I was waving starting from left to right and smiling broadly. Of course, the comparison is absurd but there I am smiling, even chuckling a bit looking at my boy for as long as I can. The lady on the machine next to me wasn't amused I don't think (she must have thought I was waving at her) but I didn't mind her, my boy was putting on a show for me, it was great and I wasn't going to miss it.


Then it hit me. Through the sweat and physical exertion, I realized my boy was looking at me. He looked and looked, and continued until he could no longer see me.


How long will he look? How much will he yearn to see his dad? I hope for a long time.


Then I remembered.


I also looked to my own dad. Growing up I always knew he'd be there for me. For a long time until my young adulthood I knew that if something went wrong he'd be there to make it better. He always did, not matter the problem or how hard. I always felt safe knowing he was there. And I looked and looked and continued looking until there came a point in my life when I knew I had to turn the corner and continue. That moment came shortly after Kelly and I got married. It was a hard realization for me to wake up one day and realize that now I had the responsibility he had always had as my dad. But that realization and his example made me want to provide that love, safety, and sense of security for my own children and my wife.


I wonder if that's part of what Josh was looking at today.


How long will he look? What will he see?


It's very different now but I still look to my dad. He is my friend and I look to him for counsel and advice. What do I see? Someone who loves me and still wants the best for me and still instills in me confidence when I need it. Even though he can only look, smile, and wave.


That's what I want Josh to see, for a long time. Even when it's his turn to be a dad.