Who Has the Secret to a Happy Marriage?

Photo by FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Interesting article in today's USA Today titled "Some couples pull back from the edge of divorce." It's scary to think, as the article suggests, that when economic conditions improve divorce rate might go up. Expensive divorce is a lousy reason to stay together. But if that's one reason, why not others?

Why do couples divorce? According to the USA Today's poll of 866 divorcing couples, here are the top five factors cited for their divorce:

1. Growing apart (55%)
2. Unable to talk together (52.7%)
3. How spouse handles money (40.3%)
4. Spouse's personal problems (36.8%)
5. Not enough attention (34.1%) / Infidelity almost in a tie (34%)

Surely in most cases divorce is a result of a combination of many factors. So, without minimizing the complexity and serious nature of the issues involved, the question remains: Is it that hard to overcome these issues?

The common view of marriage as a 50/50 proposition inevitably fails because we always judge others based on their behavior and ourselves based on our intent. That view leads us to consistently maximize our virtue and goodness while minimizing our spouse's. Overtime, this perspective becomes our reality:

"My spouse is imperfect and doesn't even try. I'm not perfect either but at least I try!"

No wonder people grow apart and trade dialogue for silence. No wonder money becomes a platform for the struggle manifests itself. No wonder our spouse has issues! No wonder people don't give each other enough attention. No wonder our spouse looks less and less attractive and another person more and more. No wonder divorce eventually looks like the only alternative. That is, unless divorce is too expensive and then we just put up with the situation until we can afford it.

But what about the children? 

As fathers we have a duty to them. Not a duty as in an obligation, but a duty of love. It's been said that one of the best things a man could do for his children is to love their mother. True love. 

Is it possible? YES! Is it always easy? NO! Is it worth it? You'd better believe it!!

In an Ensign article titled "Repentance and Forgiveness in Marriage" Richard Miller discusses factors that strengthen marriage. The list of factors is interesting when compared with the USA Today's poll. Check this out:

1. Repent (but repent of what? I don't have a problem!)
2. Apologize sincerely (apologize for what, besides, she still hasn't apologized for whatever she does every day!)
3. Strive to improve (improve what? I'm an ok guy, I fulfill my callings, I go to church. I'm a good dad!)
4. Overcome pride (none of that here!)
5. Forgive (yes, there is plenty to forgive but she first needs to ask for it)
6. Let go of the hurt (not so fast! She needs to repent first)
7. Rely on the Atonement (hmm?)

So what's the first step? Recognize we have a problem that is worth correcting. None of this works if WE don't face the fact that WE have a problem; that in many cases, WE are the problem. Of course, she does have issues too. Plenty perhaps. But that's beside the point.

So, do the right and let the consequence follow. Who knows, but that when you let Christ into the relationship again, you might find your wife to be the most beautiful and pleasant person to be around, even if she hasn't changed at all!

And that may be the best gift of all to our children in the long run.

Lessons From My Kids and Their Lemonade Stand

Camille (CEO) and Joshua (CFO)
leading their first enterprise, a
lemonade stand.

As it often happens, my children taught me a lesson today. You see, children don't know that somethings are not possible, logical, practical, or even common sense.

But today my two youngest ones insisted that they wanted to set a lemonade stand in our driveway. Today, in 61 degree weather. OK, so it was a beautiful mostly sunny day, but not exactly peak lemonade-stand season. But being an entrepreneur myself, I wasn't about to get in the way of their of their first business venture.

Sales revenues: $10.35.
Well above forecast!

So, we made the lemonade. I helped them make the sign, we set up the table, chairs for them to sit and attract customers (many stopped just because they looked so sweet!). And out they went to sell lemonade. They waved at drivers, runners, dog-walkers, and anyone that passed by. And, yes, they sold several cups of lemonade, $10.35 worth of it. Yes, many people were most generous and I was so grateful for their gesture of kindness. But my kids did sell lemonade. So, what did I learn?

1. Sometimes practicality has nothing to do with success.
2. Have a vision, even it if seems impossible.
3. You don't know what can be accomplished until you try it.
4. Feel the fear and do it anyways. My kids are naturally shy but today they forgot about that.
5. Don't take 'no' for an answer. I told them all the reasons why not to do it. They didn't care!
6. Ignore the odds. I fully expected that maybe two or three people would actually stop. But I was surprised to see how many did.
7. Have fun at what you do, your customers will appreciate it and reward you for it.

The other lesson I learned or was reminded of was that I need to support my children in worthwhile endeavors and encourage their dreams. I didn't know I could learn so much from helping my kids with a lemonade stand. And oh, how I did enjoy it!

Don't Be Long Mama!

My beautiful queen and
princess wearing their rightful
crowns I made for them.
OK, Kelly's didn't quite turn
out, but she wore it anyway!

A few days ago, we had one of those hectic days with lots to do in the evening. It worked out that Kelly had to be out while I stayed home to manage the afternoon all by myself!

Coordinate kitchen clean up after dinner, homework help for at least 3 of our children, responding to the constant 'dad this' 'dad that' and 'daddy, daddy, can you help me?' Not to mention making lunches and getting the kids ready for bed (we call it PDP, a spanish acronym for the three critical tasks before going to bed, you figure it out), and there was some laundry to be folded. Ah, and of course, family scripture study, the last thing we do before going to bed.

Well, my dear wife came home and though we were almost all ready, the kitchen wasn't completely clean, some homework was still left undone, and the lunches were probably not prepared up to specifications. Needless to say, I was glad when she came home!

Now, I like to fancy myself that I do a lot around the house and that I pull my weight. That may be true. But pulling five children's weight is a totally different thing. And my dear wife does it every day! Yes, I help, I'm there and it works out fine. But often, all too often, because of business travel, church meetings, or something else, I'm out of the house like she was that particular evening. She never complains, she never even tells me how hectic it is, she never quits. She will tell me she is tired when I ask how she is doing. And so am I. But my usual tiredness is nothing compared to how I felt that evening. Thank you mama! And next time, please don't be long! I can't really do it without you.

To you fathers out there. Try it once (at least). Stay home the way she does every day. Do it all, like she does it every day. Chances are you will love her even more and appreciate more what she does every day.

And to you mothers out there. Don't be long mama...because we need you!

Training Wheels are Off!

On his own for the first time!

Few things compare with the joy of watching a baby take her first steps or a little boy ride his bike without training wheels for the first time.

This past weekend I had one such joy! My little Josh wanted me to help him ride his bike without training wheels...I said YES! with excitement. After all, I remember a couple of years ago when Camille (then 5) learned to do the same thing. It was magical!

It's an amazing thing to see how they learn so quickly to coordinate their body movements and balance themselves on two wheels. When they realize they are on their own, they become afraid, distracted, and sometimes they fall. Luckily for Josh, I was holding onto his jacket so I could pull him up if he lost his balance. Still he was a bit nervous at first, even though he was wearing knee and elbow pads, and of course, his helmet. But he, like his siblings before, gained confidence quickly and couldn't contain his excitement when he realized that he could do it. He yelled "I'm doing it dad!"

It made me think about all the protection we as fathers can and should provide our children so they can become effective free agents one step at a time. Here are some training wheels I received from my own father and that I've learn to appreciate as a father...

• Regular father interviews
• Family Home Evenings
• Dinner time conversations
• Daddy dates with children
• Working together
• Reading scriptures together

Some day those training wheels will no longer be there. Children will be on their own, attending college, serving missions, working, or starting their own families. Will they be able to say 'I'm doing it dad!'? I pray everyday that they will. I'm sure it will be an even greater joy to see them then, as it is now; even if we have to encourage them, give them confidence, and perhaps steady them a bit when they lose their balance momentarily.

What Would I Do?

I recently saw this video (which many have seen by now) about a special father. It's a sad and beautiful story of tragedy, faith, and forgiveness. As a father myself, knowing how I adore my children and how terrible it would be to have one of them gone, the message of the video left me pondering...

• What would I do?
• How would I feel toward the responsible person?
• Would I let go?
• Would I forgive?

I hope to avoid this kind of experience but the truth is, we don't know. And it may not be a tragedy like this. Yet, how do we respond in less painful situations? 

I am still thinking...what would I do? I am praying fervently, that I may be ready. It would be the hardest thing but I think it's the only course.

Watch for yourself...

Fore more uplifting messages like this, check the mormon channel on YouTube.

Gifts From the Mission Field

Young men serve for 2 years as
missionaries for the church.

Recently I came across a Business Week article published in June 2011 titled God's MBAs: Why Mormon Missions Produce Leaders. The authors highlighted the disproportionate number of influential mormons (members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints) in major corporations, academia, and government (e.g. Stephen Covey, Mitt Romney, Clay Christensen, etc.). The central hypothesis is that the 2-year missionary experience, which all LDS young men are expected to serve, and which many do serve, explains the success rate of these high profile and others less famous names but highly successful people.

The article is interesting in its own right and there could be a lot of good discussion from it. But what I believe is a more important legacy of a two-year mission for a young man who has faithfully served a mission, is how it prepares him for fatherhood. I recognize that 1) there are excellent fathers who didn't serve missions (or are LDS for that matter), 2) that effective fatherhood is a result of many other factors as well, and 3) that missionary service does not guarantee good fatherhood. Yet, there is no denying the many 'gifts' or 'treasures' that LDS fathers can receive from their missionary service. Here are a few:

1. Relying on the power of prayer and trusting in God's grace
2. Selfless service to others
3. Discipline, persistence, and hard work
4. Solid understanding of the plan of salvation and the role of families in the plan
5. Dealing with adversity and disappointment
6. Learning to listen and to be guided by the Holy Spirit
7. People skills such as listening, empathy, teaching others, etc.
8. Sense of direction and focus in life and personal responsibility
9. Maturity and perspective about what's really important
10. Becoming a good partner and friend

Surely there are other gifts. What is your experience? How have you seen missionary service prepare someone for fatherhood? I welcome your comments.

New Beginnings: Five Perfect Opportunities For Fathers

Josh holding on to mom after he
changed his mind at the bus stop.

Today was the first day of school for our children. As would be expected, there were mixed feelings about starting not only a new year, but making new friends, facing new learning, going onto the next level of education, and all the anxiety and excitement that comes with that.

Joshua had his first day of school ever! He was all excited until he saw the school bus and then he decided there were too many people on the bus and he wanted mom to drive him to school! His day ended on a very good note however and he came home happy to be a kindergartener.

Whether it be a new school year, starting a new job, moving to a new house, welcoming a new baby, getting married, you name it, we face many new beginnings quite often. Some are big, some are small in terms of their impact. But all are important to those who face such changes; and a great opportunity for us as fathers to bless the lives of our children (young and old, and our spouses). Here are some ideas...

1. Boost their confidence, take the time to reassure them of their abilities and capabilities as it might be natural for them to feel uneasy about their new experience. Help them use their strengths to find ways to manage the newness of the experience.
2. Invite them to rely on their Heavenly Father through prayer and seeking His guidance. These are great opportunities for them to increase in faith and in humility.
3. Invite them to talk about how they feel as they start their new adventure. Talking can help them discover insights that can help their social, physical, emotional, and spiritual development. Dinner as a family is a perfect time for that!
4. Listen and observe how they adapt to the new experience. Sometimes our urge is to give counsel or to suggest ideas. Give them space and just watch and listen. It's amazing what we can discover if we open our eyes and ears.
5. Bless them! As you feel prompted, use your priesthood authority to give them a priesthood blessing. On Sunday, as we put the kids to bed, our 7-year old Camille said to me "Dad, those blessings were very nice!" referring to the blessing they had all received earlier that day.

Growing up, it was my mother that did the first four things mostly, as I suspect is common in most families. But as fathers we have the privilege to bless our children's lives in these important transitions. It's just a matter of time and will. Let us make the time to help our children as they face new situations. They will appreciate it for a life time.

That's the Way to Watch a Movie

Camille and I watching a movie

I guess it is unusual (for some at least) that we don't have TV service,  or cable, or dish. Never have, probably never will. But we do enjoy watching movies as a family (thank you Netflix, Hulu, and Redbox!).

Yes, the kids watch movies on their own (pre-selected of course!) but whenever I'm around, Camille always asks me to sit next to her and watch the movie with her.

You see, for her, watching a movie just isn't the same if dad is not next to her hugging her and cuddling. And I'm happy to confess...I don't mind it one bit! In fact, I love it!!

So, I usually have Camille on one side, Josh on the other. But particularly for my little girl, that is what makes the movie watching experience even better, dad sitting next to her, all cozy. To that add popcorn and twizzlers. Now, that's the way to watch a movie!

Of course, I like a good movie, but to me it's more than just entertainment, it's a way to connect and to bond, a way to say 'I love you my little girl!'

Favorite movies? Hmmm, here are a few...
Jakob the Liar
Fiddler on the Roof
Sound of Music
Elf
Nacho Libre
Life is beautiful
Remember the Titans
Letters to God
Tangled
Home Alone
Toy Story 3
Sister Act
G-Force
Radio
National Treasure (both of them)
Close Encouters
E.T.
Rocky (all of them)
Forever Strong
The Karate Kid (all of them, including the newest one)
Zorro
The Princess Bride
...

Too many to list!